Are you happy? What makes you happy?  Do you know what happy even is? I don’t think you do.  I don’t think any of us does.  Because it’s an elusive concept that ties contentment, feeling good, and lack of sadness to each other, which I think is like making a Strawberry pie with steak crust and vinegar ice cream.  It just doesn’t really go together.  Each flavour is fine by itself, and you can have them all in one meal.  But don’t make a dish out of it. (Extremely important note, if you suffer from Depression, some or all of the rest of this may apply to you.  Depression is not your fault.  Links to resources will be available at the end of this entry.)


Here’s the reality.  Happiness is not a natural state.  The great philosopher Deadpool once said:  “You might want to leave the room.  I bet it feels huge in this hand.”  (actually not the line I was meaning to use, but as a side note, now you know why Donald Trump has such a high opinion of himself.


Don’t think about it don’t think about it don’t…. aaaaaaaaarrrrrrgh!


“Actually the quote I was going for was “Here’s the thing. Life is an endless series of train wrecks with only brief commercial-like breaks of happiness.”


He said a lot of funny shit.  And deadpool 2 is coming out. ZOMG.  ok.  I digress.

Deadpool is kind of right, don’t you think? When is the last time you had an extended period of happiness?  Well, that depends on how you define happiness.  And I think that is one of the huge mistakes we make, particularly as western nations.  We pursue happiness like a drug.  But we aren’t looking for “happy” so much as we are euphoria.  We mistake the giddy rush of excitement, or romance, or thrill as happiness. Well, if you want to STAY happy if those are your guidelines, you are going to exhaust yourself chasing the feeling. And like drugs, you tend to need more and more to get the same feeling.  Soon enough the thrills that mad you “happy” don’t do it for you any more and you need to find another endorphin rush.  Add to that, the variables of what make people euphoric are so varied that pinpointing any methods for it are just fucking impossible.


Jerry really got a rush from the powdered donut orgy.  His twin Terry did not.

Smiles are not our default.  Neither really is frowns or tears.  Our default human emotion without stimulus is neutrality.  (with obvious variance, some people just wake up cheerful and are sunny right up until they go to bed.  We all hate them.)  Take a person receiving no stimulus whatsoever and this is the result.  Resting bitch face.  Although I hate that term because just because you don’t go around grinning like a clown on uppers, doesn’t mean it’s “bitch face.”  tomi-lahren-1483991023.jpg


Exceptions apply. Tomi Lahren has bitch face. With any  expression. Because She’s a bitch.


No, and if you’ll excuse my back to back pictures, I’m just talking about neutral expressions.


To be fair, Ms. Stewart could be experiencing one of her emotions. she has 3.

My partner said to me, in a moment of deep thought “Do you ever feel completely alone in this world?”  Kind of strange thing for someone to say to their partner, right?  Nope.  Because my answer was yes, just like her.  We derive happiness from good relationships of course, but there is a part of us that no person, no matter how much they care about you and vice versa, can touch.  There is an inner you immune to the charms of those that love you.  That is the lonely spot, the deep private zone in all of us where we find ourselves in the company of only our own thoughts.  We are very happy together yet don’t FEEL happy all the time,

So what does this all mean?  Don’t consult a dictionary. defines Happiness as “being in a happy state.”  Fuck you very much,  That doesn’t help at all. This brings us back to Deadpool.  He said train wrecks. That might be accurate.  Or, at times, it may not be that bad at times, so it’s merely drudgery.  For the average person 95% of life is just doing the things you have to.  If you are deliriously content with that, you are one of very few.

It comes down to  putting up with the show so you can enjoy the commercials. Kind of like the Superbowl.  You aren’t going to manage endless happiness.  Chasing thrills will burn you out, and probably leave you unsatisfied.  Don’t let the mistake of excitement of happiness take over your life, or you’re going to have a really bad time.

and for fuck sakes, don’t smile unless you want to.



Rejected clockwork orange torture device


Depression Resources as promised:


Worldwide suicide hotlines

Tips for dealing with Depression

Depression is not your fault

Smartassicus out.  writing this made me “happy.” now I have to do dishes, and it’s gone.

There will be (more) Blood


This is insane.  This should not be normal.  It’s become normal.


I had another piece planned for now, but I put it off because of the recent shooting in Parkland, Florida.

This will not be a hope filled piece.  It’s resignation to reality.  This won’t stop.  Not anywhere in the near future.  We watched as small children were gunned down, and the lawmakers did nothing.

Watched the deadliest mass shooting in the history of America, and it took less than a week before the demands for gun control were snuffed out by an NRA fueled group of sociopath senators.

And you know I’m really light on the list.  if I said “did you hear about the school shooting” you’d talk about the shooting in Parkland.  But if I asked you about mass shootings in 2017, 2016, 2015…  Only a few will stick out despite there being so many shootings you can’t keep track.

Barely removed from the most deadly mass shooting in American history where  58 died, and it’s nothing more than a forgotten hashtag to all  but those who buried their dead.  Now I’m not telling you anything you don’t know.  I know the frustration of all the people in America who want gun control and want it now.  They wanted it before Columbine.  (As a side note, think how sad it is that Columbine doesn’t make the list of top 10 deadliest shootings any more.)

And there are three things certainties after a shooting like this.  The majority calling for action, the Government offering useless thoughts and prayers and then cashing their NRA cheques, and the 2nd Amendment lunatics rushing to their twitter, Facebook or gab (I threw Gab in their only because it exists.  as far as I know, Gab is nothing more than grumpy nazis who kept getting suspended on twitter,) to defend guns.

Let me start by saying, if you do that, if your reaction to shootings is to defend guns, you’re a flat-out asshole.  A scummy, ridiculous human stain.  These are the same people who say “don’t politicize this when we should be grieving” and then proceed to politicize it by telling you why gun control won’t work.


Sorry Aaragorn. I know you’d be in favor of common sense crossbow control.


Gun control works, but I have to say ACHIEVING gun control won’t work.

First you have the government, who won’t do anything suckling at the massive teat of the NRA.  Millions upon millions passed to Republican senators.  So are they the block?  yes, and no. Because it does not matter how low the approval ratings for senators get, Republicans would rather vote for Satan than a democrat.  The usual things.  Abortion.  Same sex Marriage.  People with brown skin from different countries.  And, yes, gun “rights.”

I’ve often said that Republicans are single issue voters, but I’m not being fair.  they have maybe 4 or 5. And the truly  belligerent asshats go online after a shooting and immediately attacking everyone calling for something to be done.  Same old excuses, same old tired arguments, none of them making a lick of sense, but they don’t deal in sense.  They deal in “muh gun.”

These are people who take photos like this.


Next Christmas card let’s go with pistols!

People so stupid that they put guns in the hands of children.

Now there is a perfectly good counter to every one of their stupid arguments.  But again, reason does not resonate with these people.

More car deaths, let’s ban cars! (accidents aren’t shootings.)

Guns don’t kill people, people kill people! (Yes.  and a staggering number in America is with guns.)

Criminals won’t obey the law ( ok.  so we shouldn’t prohibit drunk driving because drunks won’t obey the law.)

I can say beyond a shadow of a doubt that I loathe these people.  They always say “so much for the tolerant left” and in this case, it applies.  I cannot tolerate their negligence, stupidity, lack of empathy, and complete refusal do deal with reality.  I loathe their champions.  Tomi “racist barbie” Lahren.  Dana “I was created in a vat” Loesh.  Dana is ACTUALLY a paid NRA shill.  Her job is to literally defend guns after mass shootings.  I can say without equivocation I consider these people to be repugnant, and am close to thinking it’s actually divergent evolution between those who have logic centers in their brains, and those who don’t.


They always scream “Gun control doesn’t work! “(Except in every nation that has gun control at varying levels, NOT having anywhere near the same number of shootings.  I mean it isn’t even close.)


America is number one! U S A! U S A! U S A!


Sane people know that gun control works. People who care about other people know gun control works.  But flipping red senate seats is near impossible.  The majority of America is left of Center, but the Senate is filled by states.  More red states, well, you know the rest.  And here we are.

I know so many good and caring people who are fighting for the insanity to stop.  And I don’t wish to try to stop their efforts, and I truly hope they succeed.  I have no belief that the American “democratic process” will allow it though.

So there will be more blood. More tears. More impotent rage.  More worthless thoughts and prayers.

I don’t know anyone who has been shot in mass shootings.  I mourn for America, not individuals.  I mourn a country filled with people I love dying a little more every day. I mourn for my friends held captive in a nation being run by a dispicable minority and not a creed of  “fuck you, I got mine.”


I have no hope this will change.

Please, America, I beg you to prove me wrong.








5 years

Tomorrow will have been 5 years since you died.
One eighth of my lifetime, after you had been there for just under half of it. And now I speak to someone who hears nothing.  No, I’m not crazy.  No, I don’t think you’re somewhere where you can hear my voice.
I know you are gone. So why do I speak to you?  Because of all things I miss, it is your voice that burns the most.  Sitting outside discussing the stars. 

The sobs in your voice when you came out and the louder ones when you realized I wasn’t upset by it.
Your laughter that infected the room with mirth, or your voice carrying across the soccer pitch calling for the ball or yelling to a defender out of position.
I no longer ask the question why you chose to die.  I am no longer angry.   All I have is an empty spot that will never be filled.
You’d be just shy of 22 years old now. But I will always see my beautiful 16 year old.  That’s where your journey ended. That’s where the photos stopped.
I never want to feel ok on this day. I always want the feeling of wrongness of a world with you not in it.  I mourn the college you never went to.  I shed tears that I will never walk down the aisle with you to the woman of your dreams.
See, death is experienced by those peft behind. And the person you still called daddy up until the day you were gone experienced it more than any.
My grave is next to yours.  Bought and ready for my eventual end.  One day millions of years from now our matter will be scattered into the universe together at the death of our planet.
We will be together among the stars, forever.
Maybe, my dear Amber, my precious daughter, we will form a star together.

From History to Tea to Insanity

America has descended into madness.  Okay.  So I led off with the obvious.  But this is more a piece on how it got there.

Rewind the clock a little under a decade.  Anyone remember what was going on then?  America was electing its first ever Black president.  It was a heady moment.  Ground breaking, history making.

Now there are mixed feelings about Obama even on the left so I’m not going to go deeply into discussing that.  I personally thought he was the best President that America had in my lifetime, and one of the best of all time, but to each their own. I don’t expect “purity” in politicians and am bewildered by people who do.

Let’s talk about the other side though. He defeated McCain, and what we thought at the time was the worst person possible to be one heart attack away from the Oval office in Sarah Palin.  A sigh of relief was breathed, as the craziest (to date) possibility was avoided.


(With her kids, you think she’s rethinking birth control. She’s not.)

Hit the fast forward button.  What’s the logical response to being defeated by a black man?  If you said “Wait, why does it matter that he’s black?” then you weren’t a member of the people who “rose up” to “take their country back.”  you know what I’m talking about.

The Tea Party.  Emboldened by a petulant marshmallow white Republican group of Congressmen, these looney-toons started rallying and carrying on like civil war reenactment actors but with Orange Pekoe headwear.


(we need boiling water. Stat.)

Now it was of course, all about the “Economy.” Of course it was!  I was about taxes and spending, and big government and taxes and debt and deficit* and taxes.  That’s all it was about!  it really… really…

oh, fuck that noise.  We know what it was about.  Racism.  Flat out blatant in your face racism.  Which of course they denied until they were blue (well.. reddish really)  in the face. It’s almost like they left no trace… or… evidence that…

nope. Can’t finish that sentence either.

*(no, they didn’t know the difference between deficit and debt. Still don’t.)


(photo credit kind of obvious.)


So what happened?  Right wing Republicans lost seats to Right-right-right-wing lunatics.  Any last vestiges of sane Republicanism diminished.* They became about one thing and one thing only. Stop the black man.  It was the most petulant and obstructionist congress of all time.  Turtle face McConnell said it himself. Their goal was to deny Obama a second term. Not a thing about governing.  Just taking their undersized balls and going home.

Then came 2008.  A clown car of Candidates for Republicans was set upon the nation including Herman Cain, Michelle Bachmann, Newt Gingrich, the two Rickies in Santorum and Perry.  But they went with the (relatively) reasonable choice of Mittens Romney.  Fairly level-headed, other than dog care issues and flopping more than a fish in an inch of water. So that was it then, right? Romney was not the Tea Party preference, although they voted for him anyways.  They’d vote for a bucket of Ronald Regan piss if it were the red candidate.  But… the Tea Party was dead!

(*Yes, there was sane conservatism.  Not necessarily something I’d agree with, but not certifiable batshit.)


tea party dead

(if ever there was a grave to piss on…)


But nope.  Fast forward again. The tea party “disappeared.” But it was more of a magic trick than a death.  They stopped calling themselves the tea party.  They just called themselves Republicans.  It became more normal to be abnormal.  And by the next election it wasn’t a clown car, but a clown bus.  There was not one person on the primaries that was remotely close to reasonable or didn’t make your heart stop at the thought of them in office.*

I don’t need to recount what happened. We all know.  America is now 265 days into its waking unending nightmare.  And we all miss the tea party.

Because they didn’t die.  They went further right.  MORE insane. MORE racist. Say what you want about the Tea Party (stupid, racist motherfuckers) but this didn’t happen with them.

(* Except Jeb. But that’s only because nobody noticed Jeb was on the stage.)


(seen here, Republicans explaining that it’s about economic anxiety)

And After the election.


(with that much grease, all we needed was one of them to trip…)


Long story short, which I never do because I like to talk and typing is a form of talking and I talk to much as it is but I can’t stop and I don’t even have to pause for breathing when I type…

Long story short, The Tea Party was a harbinger, not a movement.  It wasn’t a group that was defeated.  It was just the starting Charmander of the White Supremacist Pokemon.

Same excuses. Socialism. Taxes. Economic anxiety.  Sorry, not excuses. Lies.  But three times the racism.  It went from really racist people with some level of deniability in their own heads, to FUCKING NAZIS.

Trump is a symptom.  A sore on a leper. A pus filled carbuncle on the unwashed scrotum of republicanism.  (yeah, sorry, I dry heaved too.)  Now it would be easy for any of them to dismiss my commentary because I’m Canadian.  But here’s the reality.  Trump stink has crossed our border.  There is actually a #MCGA hashtag on twitter. Canadians buying the Trump level of fuckery.  Hey, Canada has always had racists, I don’t claim innocence up here.  But a miasma of hate and mean-spirited selfish bigotry is increasing here too.


There is only one thing left to do.  Well, Trump may make it happen anyways.  But this is our solution.


May Zeus take mercy on us.


(Plus side, I don’t have to worry about dieting anymore.)



Smartassicus out!